Can Purell be used as lube?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
