I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
