I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
