i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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