I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
