It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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