I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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