Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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