She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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