ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
is that a dick in a sweater?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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