The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
