Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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