I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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