Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
