There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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