my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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