Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
