He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
