i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
