I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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