She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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