no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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