Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
