You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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