Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
