You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
