My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
