New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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