Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
