What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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