Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
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