Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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