i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
