he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
