My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
