everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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