the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize