gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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