my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
