so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
