my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
