Sober January is a disaster.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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