if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
