omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We have so much sex to catch up on
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
