im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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