sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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