Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
