I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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