i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
