We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
