Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
