Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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