Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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