There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
