Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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