So drunk its hurt
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
