It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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